Too Fat to Fish by Artie Lange & Anthony Bozza

Author:Artie Lange & Anthony Bozza [Lange, Artie & Bozza, Anthony]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2008-11-11T00:00:00+00:00

Wah! I’m Out of Cocaine! Wah!

9

The most important thing I’ve learned from working with the amazing Howard Stern for seven years is that the key to a great radio show and great comedy of any kind is honesty. Though I’ve tried to follow that philosophy as much as possible on The Stern Show and in my stand-up, it hasn’t always happened 100 percent, but it’s going to happen here. My goal is for this book to exist as the most honest piece of work I have ever done. The only way to do that is for me to put things on the page that I couldn’t share on the air or in any public forum. The story contained here is the most personal revelation I can possibly make and not something that I see much comedy in. I suppose that’s why it hasn’t made it into my act.

The week before The Stern Show left terrestrial radio, each of us on the staff promised to reveal a surprising or highly personal story about ourselves when we got to satellite. That first week at Sirius, we told our shocking stories. I told one about an unfortunate incident I was involved in while attending a Hollywood orgy. But that wasn’t the one I was intending to reveal—it was the runner-up. This is the story I’d have told if I’d been strong enough to be completely honest that day:

When I was twenty-eight years old, I tried to commit suicide. It was no half-assed attempt, either. It came complete with a note addressed to my mother and sister. It didn’t happen at a time when I was broke; it happened three months after my big break. In the fall of 1995, we’d completed the first shooting cycle of MADtv, the first nine episodes. Critics loved the show and the initial ratings were very promising—it looked as if this gig was going to last a while. I had my tenth high school reunion coming up, and I couldn’t wait to be there and show off. I was a regular on a new, well-received network TV show, and there were more than a few people I was going to enjoy telling. But I never made it to the reunion. Instead, I was in a rehab center recovering.

My inability to deal with the stress of MADtv was a combination of the pressure I put on myself to deliver and my choice of diet. Cocaine was such a regular part of my day that I started doing things like pouring grams of it into glasses of Jack Daniel’s and drinking it down four or five times a week because my nose was too sore. Not a good place to be. It didn’t take long for me to develop an ulcer. I ignored it as long as I could; in fact, I made the mistake of thinking that drinking cocaine would numb the stomach pain that seemed to get worse every day. I held out until it became so unbearable that I had to be taken from the Fox lot to St.

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